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On June 21st the Summer Solstice – I’ll be 38 years old. Every year I do some sort of self reflection in the weeks leading up to my birthday, mining myself and my life experiences for interesting things to share with others. This year, I’m sharing some deep truths which may offend some, but that I KNOW WILL free some others.
I’ve heard folks say that “Killing yourself is NEVER an option”.
Well, I beg to differ dear fortunate soul.
Sometimes, suicide IS an option.
Sometimes suicide is an option because the people around you don’t know HOW to love you.
Sometimes suicide is an option because you’ve gone way past the pain, past caring, and you’re tired of being hurt.
Suicide is apathy.
Suicide is numbness.
Suicide is NOT a cry for help, it is a despair filled, desperate seeking of closure. . . end . . . elusive comfort and peace from the trauma.
I’ve been suicidal.
The people around me would have been shell shocked, hurt and confused had I succeeded the one time I actually got the nerve up to try.
They LOVED and LOVE me, but . . . they totally failed at loving me in the ways I NEEDED to be loved, to be ok.
And many didn’t know… couldn’t know.
I did not wear my trauma and pain on my forehead or chest, I did not speak of them. No. I kept it all inside, compartmentalized, but gnawing away at my peace, my sanity, my self worth . . . while smiling and being happy on the outside.
I survived, and I’m one of the blessed ones.
Over the next years I had to learn who to SOS to, because yes, I literally had an SOS team via call or messaging, who’d drop whatever they were doing to talk with me.
I had a prayer warrior at church who… just always knew, when I was going off the rails.
I had, above all . . . a deep, DEEP aversion to the idea of inflicting physical pain on myself; not mental pain, not emotional pain, cause I’d been doing that for years, no, I just didn’t want to cause myself physical pain.
To tell the truth, that’s the SOLE reason I’m still here – that refusal to visit physical pain on myself, and being content to settle instead, for self harming in other ways.
How many self harmers do you know?
The silent alcohol and other substance addicts, the non sleepers, the ones who go from one abusive relationship to another, the ones in the dangerously fast cars, the chronically dead broke, the risky sex havers . . . ALL self harming behaviors, ALL signs of suicidal tendencies, just choosing the slow, less drastic, more easily hidden, less judged ways . . . death by 1000 cuts.
So, I’d humbly suggest that you put aside your assumptions, religious noise, silent judgement and smugness, because there are people in your life who you’re failing to love the way they need in order for them to be ok.
There are people in your life who are choosing slow suicide, via self harming.
I’m not asking you. They’re there. Hell, it might be YOU as well!
So, do better.
ASK.
Care enough.
Save the next one…
Your shock and horror and hurt AFTER the fact, are unhelpful and selfish.
Act now, in Love… love the way THEY need it.
Peace + Light,
KAramel
https://linktr.ee/teamviplife
