2015 – self love, boundaries and finger nails

This year I made a decision. But not only did I make a decision, I began acting on it.

Tweet this!: This year I choose to love me, no matter what happens, no matter who has an issue with it. 

For years I have allowed people to compromise and disrespect me in one way or another – clients who didn’t pay, boyfriends who cheated, friendships with people who truly do not get me and probably never will and the list goes on. Basically, everyone was getting what they wanted out of me, while I was allowing myself to hold the short end of the stick again and again.

At the base of my continuous failure to stand up for myself and maintain healthy boundaries, was a devastating lack of self love which had been cemented during my teenaged years, by parents who told me the worst things about myself, were not very supportive and who themselves lack self love (you cannot teach what you have never learnt). 

Of course, no one looking on at me or at my parents would think that any of us lacked self love. Natural leaders, type A personalities, talented achievers, respected, looked up to, envied even….and hurting, wounded, self loathing and self hurting behind closed doors, in the most dysfunctional of ways.

I have had enough.

I have had enough of settling. I have had enough of self sabotage. I have had enough of allowing people to compromise me. I have had enough of wearing masks and living in a Pantomime. I have had enough of not loving myself.

So this year, 2015 is a new year and a new era for me.

In this year already, I have distanced myself from my parents, who are unable to love me as I need; I have effortlessly grown my nails longer than ever before (I have all my life been a chronic nail biter); I have set income and savings goals for myself – not nice sounding numbers pulled out of a hat, but rather solid numbers tied to my cost of living and to the big ticket things I wish to acquire; I have cleaned out my facebook friend list and “Likes” so that my newsfeed is now overflowing with positivity, beauty, wholesomeness and healthy living tips; and I am now stopping people dead in their tracks as soon as they step ON my boundary lines – to hell with going over…NOT this year honey!

Let me tell you…I have a new lease on life! I see possibilities, I have complete peace, I LOVE myself, even the quirky bits. And lest I mislead you, it is not that I awoke on January 1st and there was a flash of light when all this happened, oooh no! This process has taken me 8 years. 8 years of trial and error, of first of all identifying what my underlying issue was and then deciding how to grapple with it. 8 years of deep self reflection and journaling and reading all kinds of self help books and articles and listening to podcasts. 

The road to self love has been long, it has been trying and it has been rugged. I’ve shed tons of tears, been upset with myself more times than I wish to remember when I backslid into my comfort zone of allowing people to take advantage of me, and I have allowed some people to stay in my life waaay too long, as they continued to spread their toxic waste everywhere.

Take heart therefore, if you too are walking the road to self love. There IS an end and it is glorious! Keep at it. Don’t give up when you slip, just get up, dust off and keep going. Find support – people who love you and want what’s best for you, people who will pray for you, people who will hold you when you cry and sit quietly and let you rant. Know that you are TOTALLY worth it and that ONLY you can love you enough.

I am over here, cheering for you. Go on…GET IT!!!! 

BE Magic + Joy EVERY day!

KAramel ♥

[KArima “KAramel” Mckenzie-Thomas]